To love and to be loved in return. That’s something that we all say we truly wish for, hope for, and desire, right? We want to be part of a loving and sustainable relationship with another human being. To feel connected to someone else on a level unlike any other. We pray for our soulmates. They are out there somewhere. They have to be.
I know hopeless romantics. I am one of them. I know cynics. I’ve been and may at some times still be one. We have all had what we felt to be great love and horrible heartbreaks. We come across individuals that set or souls on fire but for one reason or another we just cannot stay connected. The bonds that we thought that we had forged just do not stand the test of time.
The thing of it is that we allow certain things in our lives; certain “types” of people or certain “types” of behaviors to exist unchecked. We tend to find ourselves with different people but residing in the same relationship. There are patterns, cycles, that we seem unable to break. We like bad boys or dependent women. No, that isn’t a typo. DEPENDENT. Even if they come across outwardly as INDEPENDENT they actually have dependent behaviors (men and women) that cause them to lean harder on us for stability. What ends up happening is that we become overloaded with the weight. We become stressed out. OVERWHELMED.
Those bad boys and bad girls? They’re attractive, no doubt, but they are toxic and we just can’t help but to be drawn like moths to the flame. It doesn’t matter that they hurt us, disregard us, make us feel like we can’t breathe without them and leave us…just to return and do the same things all over again. I liken them to narcotics. There is a high that they provide but it is always short lived and though it’s exciting to be with them it’s like chasing a high. It’s never as potent as the first hit but that doesn’t mean that you won’t stop chasing the idea that one of these times it will be.
Reality Check Ahead!
At some point you have to take ownership over YOUR decisions and what YOU allow into your life. Yes, that man or woman may have absolutely taken advantage of you but did you heed the warnings, the flashing signs, that were most likely there from the very beginning? Did they exhibit similar behaviors of that last person that broke you heart? Did you see telltale signs that they perhaps weren’t really that into you but you were so fixated on what YOU wanted and the potential of who YOU wanted them to be that you disregarded the truth that was staring you right in the eye?
I know a lot of really smart people that become really dumb when they are in a relationship. I say that from a place of love because I consider myself to be a very smart person that has become unfathomably dumb in past relationships. It’s a learning opportunity but, man, does it blow!
What are your STANDARDS?
If I am your friend and I lie to you or about you consistently and you are fully aware of my betrayals how long are you and I really going to be friends? If I am a family member and I do nothing but talk badly about you, your choices, your looks, and where you are in life do you still allow me to be a part of your day-to-day and belittle you? If your answer is yes then one, I do not believe you and, two, if that’s really your response then there is a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed. There are some things that are just standard in your relationships yet somehow when romance is involved all of that goes out of the window. Why is that?
Your man or your woman should at the very least be held to those very same basic standards as everyone else. They are not to disrespect you, intentionally hurt or harm you, bring you down, or take from you. If they are doing this then the question is why are you allowing them to do that? Someone once told me, “You do not have to stay in a bad relationship.” That stuck with me. Unfortunately I didn’t live by it for a very long time but every time that something was going wrong in one of those relationships I’d hear those words. You don’t have to stay in a bad relationship. It is a choice. It is YOUR choice.
Redefine what your standards for love are.
List out the basic requirements. It has to got a lot deeper than good looking, rich, has his or her own. In the words of Lauryn Hill, respect is just the minimum. There should be a core list of values that your partner must have and standards that they absolutely CANNOT violate in order to be in a relationship with you. Start this list immediately. Once you have it all written out it is time for you to tackle the truly challenging part.
What standards are you holding yourself to? Are there behaviors that you exhibit that are just not acceptable? If it is true that we attract things to us then you must ask what characteristics are you presenting that draw these people to you?
I was in a relationship with someone that was abusive both physically and emotionally to the individuals that he was with. There was a shock when people would find that this man had NOT ever physically assaulted me which to this day is a very sickening thing to think about. I did, however, allow him to demean me, belittle me, and make me dependent on him for my happiness which looking back is lunacy because he just really wasn’t that nice to me after the honeymoon period. There were things in me that I was putting out into the atmosphere that clearly said, pick me, pick me! You can have it your way! I’m naive!
I had to stop jumping to his beck and call. I had to put the phone down. I had to reconnect to my friends and family so he wasn’t ALL I had in the world. I had to remember who I was in order to rise from the ashes of what I had allowed him to destroy – for what I allowed myself to destroy while chasing after who I thought he had the potential to be. My hope now is that those other women, the ones that actually were physically assaulted, were able to change whatever behaviors that served as a beacon for this man to hone in on so that the cycle wasn’t repeated in their next relationships.
Change your choice.
Get the love you deserve by loving yourself enough to say that this is what I require and nothing short of that will do. Someone out there is ready and willing to pay the cost listed on your price tag to take you off of the market for the rest of your life. You do not have the time nor the energy for window shoppers.
Need I say more?